An Administrative Retrospective
The committee had convened in 1987 to address an issue that was, at the time, considered urgent. The issue had since resolved itself, but no one had thought to inform the committee. It continued to meet quarterly in a room that had been repurposed three times since its original designation. The minutes were meticulous.
Gravity, as a phenomenon, had been filed under “Natural Forces - Persistent” in the departmental ledger. This was technically correct, though the persistence of gravity had never been in question. The filing clerk, a man named Reginald who had worked in the department for seventeen years without promotion, had once raised a query about whether gravity ought to be classified as a “recurring event” rather than a “persistent force.” The query had been struck from the record on the grounds that it introduced unnecessary complexity. Reginald had not raised another query since.
The health and safety review had been prompted by an incident involving a falling apple, which the committee now cited as evidence of gravity’s “unpredictable operational parameters.” The incident report noted that the apple had been “acting under the influence of gravity,” which was, again, technically correct. The recommendation to “consider alternative arrangements for fruit storage” had been approved without dissent, though the committee acknowledged this would not address the broader issue of apples growing on trees in the first place.
It was noted that gravity had been operating without formal oversight for approximately 13.8 billion years. This was considered a potential liability. A subcommittee was formed to draft guidelines for gravitational enforcement, with particular attention to compliance deadlines. The first draft proposed a phased implementation, beginning with “high-risk areas” such as stairwells and construction sites. The draft was returned for revisions when it was discovered that the proposed timeline exceeded the expected lifespan of the universe by several orders of magnitude.
The second draft attempted to address this by introducing a system of gravitational waivers. These would allow for temporary exemptions in cases where full compliance was demonstrably impossible. The waivers would need to be renewed annually, a requirement that was described as “aspirational but administratively necessary.” The draft was circulated for comment, but the responses were lost when the filing cabinet containing them was itself pulled to the ground by gravity.
The final report concluded that gravity was “functioning as intended” but recommended the formation of a standing committee to monitor future developments. The standing committee was to be housed in the other building, the location of which was somewhat unclear but definitely not this one. The report was filed under “Completed Actions - Pending Further Review.”
The apple, meanwhile, had decomposed into the soil, where it was now contributing to the growth of a new tree. This tree would eventually produce more apples, which would, in all likelihood, fall under the same unchallenged administrative regime. The committee had not considered this eventuality. It was not within their remit.
The minutes of the final meeting noted that the issue had been resolved to the satisfaction of all parties. This was technically correct. No one had objected. No one had been asked. You, reading this, are now formally notified of your obligation to report any gravitational irregularities using Form HD-273b, available in the other building. Which building, precisely, is somewhat unclear. But it is definitely the other one.